Lessons From Life

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It’s Not Your Job To Decide

Years ago, I attended a presentation by a man who worked in investigations of child sexual assault. The purpose of his presentation was simple: teach us what to do if we ever heard a child disclose that they had been assaulted. (In a nutshell: call the authorities. Don’t ask the child any more questions, because you might compromise a police investigation.)

I had a question for our presenter. I cringe to admit I asked this, but I did, and I needed to hear the answer. 

“Suppose I get a disclosure from a child with a history of lying,” I asked, “How do I know whether or not to take it seriously?”

That police officer didn’t miss a beat. He looked me straight in the eye and said:

Of course. Any hint of abuse is too serious to ignore; my responsibility is to contact the professionals with the responsibility and the expertise, and let them ask the questions, get the facts, and figure it out. What a huge weight off my shoulders, if I ever find myself in that situation! It’s not my job to decide.

That line really resonates with me, because I hate making decisions. I’m usually the last one ready to order in the restaurant, my go-to response to any question is “Let me think about it,” and as for shopping. . . . Light, heavy, super, or overnight? Regular or ultra-thin? With or without wings? 24 pack, 42, or 72. . . . Trips to the supermarket exhaust me. (Not to belabour the point, but that’s the case when my mental health is good. Depression absolutely paralyses my ability to make even the most simple of choices. One fool-proof sign I’m doing better is that I can comfortably reach a simple decision without endless second-guessing.)

Since that evening, I’ve taken great pleasure in identifying all the things that aren’t my job to decide; and what a lot of wasted effort and emotion I’ve saved myself in the process! It’s not my job to decide how our church Christmas party should be organized. Not my job to determine which medical treatment will cure your illness. It’s not my job to decide whether my friend should divorce her husband or try to work things out. I can be a support and confidante to my loved ones without judgement getting in the way. I can put my limited energy into grappling with the decisions that are mine to make - and they are more than enough of a challenge!

When it comes to mentoring adult children, “It’s not my job to decide” is practically my mantra. What a relief! They are at that stage in life that is chock-full of life-altering choices: 

  • What shall I study in post-secondary school? 

  • What is my level of commitment to my church?

  • Where will I work? 

  • Is it time to start or end a romantic relationship? 

  • How will I deal with on-going physical and mental health issues? 

Luckily, I have not raised children who would allow me to take over their lives, even if I wanted to. And would I really want to? Can I really claim to know them better than they know themselves? Is God going to inspire me with answers to their questions? Am I prepared to take responsibility, decades hence, for all the fall-out from a failed marriage or an unhappy career? 

When they come to me looking for help in making decisions, I listen, ask questions, share my own experiences, explore alternatives with them. When I really feel something strongly about some aspect of a given choice (usually about the process, not the final decision), I might go as far as “I would urge you to. . . ” And then I try very, very hard to let go of the rest of the process.

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