Not ‘But’, But ‘And’
I had a conversation with a friend the other day. She is going through the agony of watching her mother decline into severe dementia – bad enough already – and worse, doing it in this time of Covid when visitor access to the nursing home is seriously restricted. My friend said, “I got my once-a-week call from the nursing home today, but Mom was in distress and didn’t respond to me. I told her I love her and asked the nurse to turn on her favourite music.”
I told my friend, “You did some good, then.” I hope she knows I meant that as an ‘and’, not a ‘but.’ Let me explain. For too much of my life, I thought of life as a mathematical equation: add up all the good in your current situation, subtract the bad, and you’ll get the total of your happiness at any given time. In this context that would sound something like, “It’s horrible that your mom doesn’t know your voice on the phone and can hardly talk anymore, BUT at least she is listening to music now, so you can feel 5 percent better about it.”
I’ve learned since that human emotion defies subtraction. Nothing can diminish the grief of watching a parent suffer, losing another piece of them every day. Once you understand that, though, the secret to surviving and even thriving in tragedy is to recognize the positives shining alongside the grief. This is the message I was trying to convey to my dear friend: “Your mother’s dementia is unspeakably tragic – I’m so sorry for that. AND you did a small, significant thing to make today easier for her. Savour that sweet knowledge along with the sadness.”
And then to add: “The sum of who you are is greater today than it was yesterday, because of the love you have given your mom. Nothing will ever diminish that.”
This poem is from my single years. I was going through a romantic heartbreak at the same time that I was studying Emily Dickinson’s poetry, appreciating a little too much her rare gift for delineating human suffering with acute precision. This poem, in particular, was running through my mind, until one day I took myself in hand and wrote my own response to it. Apologies to Emily.
