You may be wondering why I refer to my individual children as “they” rather than “he” or “she.” There are two answers to that question:

The Uncomplicated Reason: This blog was not my children’s idea, and yet they are often key players in my stories. To preserve their privacy, I won’t be using their names - but I realize if I use gendered pronouns, it narrows the pool of suspects considerably. By sticking to the non-gendered they/them, I’m giving them a better chance for anonymity.

The Deeper Reason: One of my children identifies as queer and nonbinary. Nonbinary, in case you are not familiar with the term, means that they don’t see themself as male or female, but neutral. To illustrate, one day they told me: “Today a small child asked me, ‘Are you a boy or a girl?’ It was the best moment of my life!”

The time when they shared their identity with me was an opportunity for some real - soul-searching? - no, it was more than searching for something that already existed; it was a need to define my values in a level of detail that had not been required before. You see, I am deeply committed to a religious tradition that believes that God desires sexual relationships to be confined to heterosexual marriage; that believes such marriages can continue beyond the grave and into heaven; that believes that gender (as defined at birth) is a part of one’s eternal identity.

It was, and continues to be, a source of grief that my child could not benefit from the deep joy and peace of mind that I get from my faith, but I believe just as emphatically as all those other things that our individual freedom to choose our own path is sacrosanct and essential to our growth. And I believe in love. I came to the conclusion that the best way I could show respect for my child’s choices was by using the pronouns and name they had chosen for themself. I know that how important it is to their core identity and sense of belonging (in short, their mental health) that they receive that kind of acceptance from their family. 

It’s been a challenge. I’m one of those moms who has to go through at least three children’s names before I hit the right one. My kids will never let me forget the day I asked the dog to let my youngest child outside to pee. I’m also a grammar stickler, and though I know the dictionary and style guides recognize singular “they”, it’s been harder to convince my subconscious that singular “they” isn’t wrong. Sometimes I get so mixed up I find myself calling everyone else “they”, and misgendering the nonbinary child! I’m grateful they(singular) are so patient! When I slip up, there is a quick correction, and instant forgiveness.

So that is the approach we have taken in our family. We use they/them, and call our child by the very cute, non-gendered name they have chosen for themself. We congratulate them when someone asks, “Are you a boy or a girl?” I am blessed every day by their willingness to communicate and their tolerance for my beliefs, by the love they give me, and the love I am able to show them.