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Naming Loila
It was half a year, and more, before I gave “the baby” a name. Why not sooner? I can’t remember now, to what degree I just didn’t think of it, and to what degree it seemed too presumptuous. I’d never heard of anyone naming their miscarried child. It wasn’t till I suffered my second miscarriage that it became necessary to give them each a name, just to tell “the babies” apart.
To another parent grieving the loss of a miscarried or stillborn child, I would strongly urge them to name the baby. Miscarriage is grief in a vacuum - the emotional impact of losing a child with nothing concrete on which to hang that grief - no mementos, no pictures, not even memories. A name is tangible; it is an identity.
What Is My Depression?
What is depression? It is an illness, not an identity.
Looking back I know I’ve been dealing with depression since at least my thirteenth Christmas, a day when I cried myself to sleep in a haze of sadness that descended from nowhere. I loved Christmas; nothing had occurred to disappoint me; there was no reason at all for the despair that engulfed me. There were more days like that to come.
I remember a year and a half into my time at university (pertinently, just after Christmas vacation had ended), running upstairs . . . .
They/Them (Singular)
You may be wondering why I refer to my individual children as “they” rather than “he” or “she.” There are two answers to that question:
The Uncomplicated Reason: This blog was not my children’s idea, and yet they are often key players in my stories. To preserve their privacy, I won’t be using their names - but I realize if I use gendered pronouns, it narrows the pool of suspects considerably. By sticking to the non-gendered they/them, I’m giving them a better chance for anonymity.
The Deeper Reason: One of my children identifies as queer and nonbinary. Nonbinary, in case you are not familiar with the term, means that they don’t see themself as male or female, but neutral.
Between 2005 and 2008, I lost four tiny babies to miscarriage. In an effort to help others who may be experiencing similar losses, I want to share the story of that journey. If you click on the title above, and then follow the “Next in Miscarriage Journey” links at the bottom of each post, you can read through my story sequentially.