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They/Them (Singular)
You may be wondering why I refer to my individual children as “they” rather than “he” or “she.” There are two answers to that question:
The Uncomplicated Reason: This blog was not my children’s idea, and yet they are often key players in my stories. To preserve their privacy, I won’t be using their names - but I realize if I use gendered pronouns, it narrows the pool of suspects considerably. By sticking to the non-gendered they/them, I’m giving them a better chance for anonymity.
The Deeper Reason: One of my children identifies as queer and nonbinary. Nonbinary, in case you are not familiar with the term, means that they don’t see themself as male or female, but neutral.
Good Moms
You won’t be a good mother. Not if by a good mother, you mean what I meant.
It is possible to take optimism too far. It wasn’t until I had my third baby that I really let go of the hope that I could one day figure it all out and become a perfect mother. Don’t get me wrong: I knew I wasn’t there yet. I messed up every day. But right up until I brought that third delightful bundle of possibilities home, I kept stubbornly believing that perfection was possible, and if I read enough parenting books and tried really hard, every second of every day, I would eventually master the feedings, the bedtimes, the teaching, the discipline and - voila! - produce well-adjusted, intelligent children who would never grow up to say, “My life would be better if only my mom had done X - or hadn’t done Y.”
Between 2005 and 2008, I lost four tiny babies to miscarriage. In an effort to help others who may be experiencing similar losses, I want to share the story of that journey. If you click on the title above, and then follow the “Next in Miscarriage Journey” links at the bottom of each post, you can read through my story sequentially.